Liquids Only...Prayer on the Side

Well, I made a decision over the weekend to start a liquid only diet. I am drinking Boost and Ensure for breakfast and lunch and then having a bowl of soup for dinner. The bottom line is that I can't take a solid stool. Also, my personal threshold for pain has been raised significantly. I keep thinking that I have peaked with the pain, but everyday keeps putting that thought to rest. I am in good spirits, just in pain. Like before, I am still not taking the pain medicine because it makes me constipated making for a less liquid stool and eventually greater pain. I know this is gross, but I can't think of anyway else to put it. I spoke with the radiation nurse this morning (who called to check on me...love your nurses!) and she said it sounds like I have the right idea. Although I have heard various accounts from others, she said that usually radiation keeps working for about two weeks. That is a little more conservative that what others have said, and now I am left to just wonder when the pain will begin to subside.

Everything else seems to be going alright. I meet with the radiation doctors in a few weeks and then follow-up with the surgeon and medical oncologist the end of November, beginning of December; respectively. I am really nervous about surgery, I have never had something like this type of procedure. About the closest I have come to it is having my wisdom teeth taken out. Real similar...Ha Ha! I am sure it is pretty routine surgery for colorectal surgeons, but I am still apprehensive.

On a positive note, I have been spending alot of time lately trying to pray about this whole situation. I am trying to pay attention and listen to what God is trying to tell me. I do believe that God talks with us on a regular basis, we are just not always listening. I have been praying to St. Ignatius of Loyola and to the Virgin Mary (Catholic roots). I became interested in Ignatius spirituality when I attended Spring Hill College, and that very interest helped me to work through my father's death. Now, I am reinvigorated with the notion of discerning how this period of my life is a continuation of my dialogue with Christ. I have been pretty vocal about the blessings that have taken fruit from this experience, which have given me faith that God never leaves our sides; especially when we need him most. I have meditated on the notion that it is through suffering that I am reminded of Christ's journey on the cross. Sure, it may seem rather sadistic to have this view, but it is comforting to place myself at that moment of Christ's doubt and be reminded that God sent His son to experience human nature, pain and suffering included. In fact, he knew that His son would experience great pain at the hands of men and sent him in his infinite love for us. Furthermore, I am continually comforted by the Virgin Mary. I am reminded of her great act of faith in receiving Christ and this leads me to continue to pray for strengthening of my faith. Also, I am comforted by the idea of the infant Jesus being nurtured by Mary. This is especially the case as I recall lying in the fetal position experiencing bodily suffering after my chemo treatments. I continue to meditate on the fact that I experience this same nurturing by God.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

Peace
Josh