Sometimes it feels like cancer has taken my life and thrown it into little pieces. Most of my recent past I have spent collecting these pieces as they have blown in the wind aimlessly in all directions. Some of them have been lost forever to obscurity, but most I have collected and now I face the task of putting them back together. It is a daunting task to think about, but there is a silver lining in all of it. That silver lining is perspective.
You see, I always believed my life was similar to a puzzle with pieces needing to go certain places. My personal will, motivation; and most importantly, God's grace would ultimately reveal to me how they were to be positioned. There was no real picture to follow, but somehow there was the belief that it would all be completed somehow.
If you know me, then you probably know that I spend a considerable amount of my cognitive effort on self-reflection. This is both a professional mandate, but also a means by which I continue to grow as an individual. I know that my development did not stop when I became an adult; and that I continue to understand things based on past experience, new experiences, knowledge, evidence, and mentorship. With that said, my self-reflection has not increased with frequency since my diagnosis; but more so in depth.
So, here I am with my pieces and now I want to put them back together. This is where perspective has revealed new truths about myself. My pieces were never going to go together to make any sort of puzzle that I had envisioned. These pieces represent all that I am, but yet they are not always cohesive. Some of them fit together perfectly; almost as though they were never completely severed by the industrial machines which impress their design upon the picture, but are held together by small slivers of cardboard. On the other hand, some of the pieces stand alone in independence of the other pieces establishing autonomy from any direction, guidance, or conscious self-evaluation.
This new perspective declares that the final product will not be a nicely framed picture. It will be highly fragmented from missing pieces and dynamic in shape and size. There will not be a clear picture for you or me to glance at in conversation. It will be rich with texture and filled with many colors. Of most importance, however, is that all of you who are reading this in some way are helping me to put it together. That experience is the essence of my being and allows me even the strength and courage to continue self-reflection and development. For this I am grateful.
Peace,
Josh
