Expecting

I still don't believe it....

But it's gonna get REAL really fast!!!

I guess I will go back and tell the long story... after Josh had radiation treatment in fall 2007, he had stopped producing sperm. Thankfully, at my grandmother's prompting, we did bank some sperm before he started treatment (you'll have to ask him what that was like, he loves to joke about it). We started infertility treatment with Dr. Bates at the Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility Clinic at UAB in Nov 2008, by doing intrauterine insemination, or IUI, (think turkey baster method) with some of the sperm Josh had banked. No go. We did it again in December, nada. At that point the banked sperm was running low, so after a soul searching, prayerful discrimination process, we decided to proceed with in vitro fertilization, aka IVF. IVF has a higher success rate than IUI, requires a much smaller sperm sample, but is WAY more complicated (petri dishes instead of turkey basters) and WAY more expensive, and not covered by insurance. We were able to do it through contributions from family members, for which I will be forever grateful. There is some extensive prep involved in IVF which we began in March 2009. Then, that same month, we found out that Josh's cancer had metastasized to his lung, which meant more chemo and more surgery. I can't really describe the cocktail of emotions I had going on at that point, but we decided to proceed with the IVF. Part of the decision was the sense of urgency we felt... we didn't know how much time Josh might have. So in May of that year, we did IVF for the first time, but I didn't get pregnant.... probably had a lot to do with said emotional cocktail. We transferred 2 embryos that first time and had 2 left that were considered viable. We were all set to transfer those 2 in Sept. 2009 but they didn't survive thawing. More disappointment, more heartache... I still have the pictures of the embryos (microscopic balls of cells at that point). The REI Clinic was really pulling for us and offered to let us do a second round of IVF at greatly reduced cost, which we did in Feb/March 2010. Again, no pregnancy. That was it for IVF as we couldn't afford to do it again. Then, in May 2010, we discovered that Josh had started producing sperm again! Hooray! His sperm count was very low, but this was a great sign. We were told that there was a very low probability of us getting pregnant on our own, due to his low sperm count and my irregular periods. So we decided to do IUI again (remember the turkey baster, but this time with a fresh sperm sample) in July or August... still no luck. Then in September my mother was diagnosed with leukemia and she died on Oct 1, 2010. One of the last things she asked me while she was in the hospital and still coherent was "when are you doing IUI again???" So in the throes of grief, we tried IUI one last time in Nov 2010. After no success that time, Josh and I decided that we had tried enough, it just wasn't meant to be (plus we couldn't afford it anymore), and we would proceed with adoption. We got on Catholic Family Services adoption waiting list and also discussed life as a childless couple, perhaps joining the Peace Corps or becoming full time missionaries. I was, at times, angry at God and bitter that things hadn't gone our way, but I also accepted the idea of never being a (biological) parent and had grown okay with that. I quit worrying about getting pregnant and we quit trying.

And apparently that did the trick!!! At the first signs something was amiss, I didn't think much of it, since, as I mentioned, my periods tend to be irregular anyway . After a couple weeks had gone by, Josh finally convinced me to take a pregnancy test... I believe his exact words were "will you please take a pregnancy test 'cause you're acting really crazy." My reply was "I'm just irritable and bloated 'cause I'm about to start my period! Leave me alone!" But thankfully, I relented and peed on a stick. I truly didn't believe it when I first saw it. I just stared in slack-jawed shock. I yelled for Josh to come into the bathroom and just pointed, still open-mouthed and struck dumb. Josh got teary-eyed and said "I told you." That was on August 22... the next morning we walked in unannounced to the REI clinic and got a blood test done. Talk about some excited doctors and nurses.... But the best part was that it was August 23, my mother in law's birthday, so we got to give her the news she had been praying for for so long as her birthday present. She went ecstatically ballistic. :)

So now here I am, 11 weeks pregnant, pants starting to get a little snug, nice and nauseous in the mornings, exhausted and on an emotional roller coaster... and still blown away. I have apologized to God for my bitterness and lack of trust, and I know all is forgiven. I still think adoption is a beautiful thing and we may still adopt in the future. I'm so, so sad that my mother and my child will never meet on this plane of existence, though I know she knows what is going on and is thrilled. Funny thing, for the past ~ 8 months, I have been getting baby ads/coupons in the mail... addressed to me, not just "current resident"... and I had not, of course, put myself on any kind of mailing list to receive such things. Depending on what kind of mood I was in when the mail came, I would either scream obscenities and throw them in the trash, or merely roll my eyes and throw them in the trash. I got another one yesterday... now I wonder if this wasn't, all along, my mom's way of saying, Don't lose hope! Don't give up so fast! You will never, ever know the wonders that God has in store for you, child...